00:49 May 15 2007
Times Read: 701
The following is a response I posted on another site I belong to in answer to the question:
Should someone who has a “past” be excluded from becoming part of a group or public events?
If you feel you need to judge the person I am writing about or condemn me for posting it here in my journal, please keep your criticism to yourself. And remember not everything is Black or White, that each situations needs to be taken into consideration individually.
I too would like to add my opinion to this thread. And I am hoping my response will at least help some to be a bit more openminded than they might have previously been. That is not to say or even imply that the ones who have posted here are anything other than openminded. I am hoping the ones who read this but haven't posted will just consider for a minute that there are often circumstances that no one really knows about or understand.
First let me say not everything in life is black and white...there is a very long greyscale that usually gets overlooked when it comes to those who have spent time in prison. Or even someone who carries a felony conviction without serving any time.
This is a story I know all too well...I live with the prejudices each day in every aspect of my life. My friend was married years ago to a very vindictive person. He came home one evening after work and found enough cocaine on their dining room table to kill his two small daughters as well as his stepchildren who also lived in the house. His ex was passed out in the bath tub leaving the children unsupervised and in a potentially dangerous situation. The steps he took next probably weren't the smartest ones, but his fear for the children and his anger at the ex caused him to make choices that later turned around and bit him in the butt.
He didn't call the police and have the ex arrested for cocaine possession nor did he call Child Services to report the danger she had put the children in. He cleaned to cocaine off the dining room table and flushed it down the toilet. He then took his ex out of the bathtub and threw her out the back door naked. Unfortunately, it was the middle of February and they lived in the extreme north east at that time. When she sobered up and found herself outside with no clothes, she went to the neighbors and asked for help after concocting the story of his abuse. Let me insert here...he had never abused her or the children in ANY way.
In a very short period of time, he was arrested and charged with spousal abuse. This charge was dropped because there was no evidence to support the claim. But because the ex knew he now intended to divorce her and she didn't want to loose her home or custody of her children, she came up with another more serious charge. She said he had molested her daughter from her previous marriage. This child was ten years old and after the coaching by her mother...the charge officially became "sexual misconduct with a minor". This child was put through more counseling and therapy than any adult has ever thought about.
He was assigned a very young public defender (BTW, my friend was only 22 at the time and extremely frightened). This public defender was new, had never been to trial and had never worked on a case as serious as this was. He closed all his cases by plea agreement and advised my friend to accept the one offered to him. Even though my friend was NOT guilty of the charges, he followed his attorney's advice and agreed to the deal offered him. Now here is the sad part...when my friend accepted the plea agreement, there was no Sex Offender Registry, but after completing the sentence he was given, he finds he will now need to register for the next 10 years as sex offender.
OK, he registers in his home state, where he was sentenced, released and satisfactorily completed all his required counseling and programs. He has since divorced this person, lost everything he owned, was granted visitation with HIS children, but the ex refuses to obey the visitation order and won't let him see his children. He moves to another state where the law is different...he now has to register for LIFE. While there he meets someone he falls in love with, explains his situation to her, and she decides after hearing ALL the facts and seeing the documents from the court that he is telling the truth. They decide to become a couple. After living there for 9 years, he moves again to a state where the registration period is only 15 years. His registration period should be complete in this state in 5 years, so he registers there as well. But finds out, this state is going to follow the guidelines from the state he just moved from (not where he was convicted). He lives there and works hard to make a *normal* life for himself and his current lifemate.
Things go along pretty well for them until one of his employers finds out he is a *convicted child molester* and fires him on the spot without asking for an explanation, which is his right. However, the job does not include contact in any way with children, nor does the employer have children who could have in any way been placed in danger. And his job did not require a background check nor did the employer have him fill out an application that asked the question about felony convictions. And since he is a *registered* offender, his neighbors find out as well, thanks to the internet.
My point to all this is most sex offenders will re offend within the first 3 years after release form whichever institution they are in. It is a sickness and those who are truly guilty of this need help. However, my friend is not a sex offender, he has not re offended since his release which was 16 years ago and he has no compulsion to inappropriately touch a child in any way. But he carries the label and hasn't found a way to clear the charges up to this time.
When the situation arises and someone who has been an offender in some way seeks admittance into any group, I feel the person should be given the chance to prove themselves an asset to the group. Please go on your *gut* feeling...if you feel there is danger, be alert, but not judgmental. Don't let labels keep a person who has learned from their mistakes (or never made them in the first place) from being active in your circle of friends. My life has been deeply enriched for knowing the person in this posting. I trust him with my life and the life of my children and grandchildren. He is very circumspect and does not allow himself to be put into situations where the *opportunity* could arise.
Practice the concept of acceptance and live the *In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust* creed we openly invite those into our circles with. Understand that things are not always black and white and there is always more to each individual situation than is initially presented. If you feel you need to know more, ASK...most will be honest enough with you to answer your questions.
00:42 May 15 2007
Times Read: 702
Following is part of a message I received today from my 21 year old niece whom I haven't seen in 7 or so years...I have edited it for some content that didn't need to be shared.
You dumb bitch. How dare you? Who do you think you are? You were nowhere near us when Nana had her stroke. I sure as shit don't remember you changing Papaw's diapers or showering him or cooking for the family or even sitting by her side. Guess who did care? My mother. You fucking cunt. How dare you pretend and play on peoples sympathies when you didn't give two shits about anyone except your (edit)boyfriend?
Reality check.... we all hated you before(edit)He just made it sure you weren't going to come near us (edit) You see we actually care about the family(edit) more than we could say for you(edit). Don't contact me or Shaina or Derek or my dad. I leave Nana out only because she still holds some hope for you though we all know it futile.
You're garbage and everything you touch just rots.
Nice huh? Especially from someone I have had no contact with for a number of years who was 15 at the time she is speaking of AND who considers herself a *christian*.
Some people have asked me how I could walk away from the religion I had been raised in and go to the extreme of Pagan/Wiccan beliefs. Well, the above is a prime example.
In the past 6 years I have learned to be more tolerant with what goes on in the world around me. I have discovered not everything is black or white, that there are many shades of grey in between and if you face each situation you are given with your eyes and mind open you will see the reality of most any issue.
And just for the record, I WAS with my mother immediately after she had her stroke. It took me less than an hour to drive over a hundred miles in order to get to her at the hospital. Then I stayed with her for a week while the doctors decided what form of treatment she was going to need.
The only thing I didn't do was be there to help with my father when he got so ill...maybe I should have been. The last time I saw him before I left AZ, he and I talked and I made my peace with him.
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